POWER STRUGGLES AND LIMITS

Throughout life we, as humans, test limits (otherwise we wouldn’t need fines, tickets, etc.). Children need to define themselves, and redefine themselves as they grow up in order to learn to be responsible adults. Parents want a structure that allows children to grow independent and to have a harmonious family life at the same time. This is a “myth”. There is bound to be power struggles along the way. What becomes concerning is when these power struggles become a focus of home or school life. As children grow up they go in and out of times of equilibrium and disequilibria. As we become older these times get longer (this is where the “seventh year itch” comes from for instance).

Following are some ideas to consider:

1. Anger comes from fear. Always take a look at what is behind the behavior.

2. Each child needs time with their primary parent each day. I call it “floor time”. Take 20 minutes of time that is uninterrupted. The child can choose how to spend this time with the parent. It is not the time to “pump” the child, or dictate what the child is to do. Just nonjudgmental fun time. This isn’t a time to share with a sibling. This takes care of some of the negative behavior that is designed to get attention.

3. Routines (that the child helps to make) can help everyone to get through hard times such as: morning getting ready for school, going to bed, etc.

4. Decide what your goals are and get on the same page with your partner. Having too many rules, have tos, and no nos create anger and frustration on the part of the child.

5. Make your expectations very clear and be sure that they are age appropriate.

6. Privileges need to be connected to responsible behavior. You don’t give a 16 yr old a driver’s license until he or she is ready to follow rules, for instance.

YOU CAN HAVE EXPECTATIONS AND PRIVILEGES THAT CAN LAST THROUGH OUT CHILDHOOD. CREATE WHAT WORKS FOR YOUR FAMILY: Here is an example of three expectations that cover most behavior.

Expectation 1. “Be respectful and nice to live with at home.” Of course everyone has to follow this, adults and children alike.

Expectation 2. “Do your best with your school work”. Children need to know how to ask for help and who owns what responsibility with school work.

Expectation 3. “Make good choices when you are with your friends”. Set your child up for success. Make sure you know who they are with and what they are doing.

Diane